How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
You Might Also Like
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.