*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
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Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.