I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
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chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Employees must applaud the planets.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…