Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
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If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.