If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
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Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
this FaceApp is creepy af
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”