Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
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If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.