Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
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I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.