No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
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6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I will never stop laughing at this
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas