I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
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My current situation
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.