My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
You Might Also Like
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”