All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
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Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool