Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
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Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”