Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
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Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
This took me a second..
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
good for her
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
My circle of trust is a meatball
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse