me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
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A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.