My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
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This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I’m not stressed
Lmao
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No