Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
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I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
no
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”