Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
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Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss