[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???