Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Not recommended for beginners.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Big Sex has us all fooled
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done