What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
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her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻