RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
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god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
same vibe as tangled headphones
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.