WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
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• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Finally, a door that understands me
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
This did not end as expected.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.