me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
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I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell