. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
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I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
we all know this pain all too well