It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
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when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
#Caturday
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
yea so i messed up lol
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.