[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
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how long have you had this for?
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president