listen closely
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My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
📽️movie date🎞️