[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
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wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.