[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
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me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.