hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
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“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”