What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
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We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am