Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
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Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Autocorrect completely socks
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.