The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
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HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
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Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags