Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
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Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?