You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
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my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados