8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
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Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
I’m dying louder than usual today.