I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
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A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
all bases covered
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.