ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
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[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.