#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
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ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management