Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
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I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti