Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
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I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.