judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
You Might Also Like
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I unironically love this joke.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.