We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
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Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
cat vs inanimate object
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.