Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
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[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.