I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
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What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
i guess his teacher was really pissed
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them