Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
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Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”