The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
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I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
bury ourselves
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?