(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
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when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.