Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
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my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
How dude HOW?!
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”