Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
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Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Rambo Rambow
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”